i'm not okay
by BeyondMyReach
Summary: "Those who break the rules are trash, but those who abandon their friends are worse than trash." In which Kakashi follows his belief, and deals with the aftermath with Iruka by his side.


As always, a huge thanks to Aori for being a lovely sport about all the fics I've been throwing her way for her to beta for me. You're amazing!

This is literally one of those time when I built a fic around a line that I thought of and wanted to use. Feel free to take a shot at guessing which line it is.

Also, this fic is a stand alone, but I mentally categorize it as in the same 'verse as another fic of mine called "(self-)recrimination" just because it deals with similar issues and has the same vibe.

* * *

"What a disgrace," the villagers hissed under their breaths. "An elite Konoha jounin compromising an important mission because of _emotion._ "

"What more, it's the famed Copy Ninja Kakashi," others added.

"Like father, like son," they spat.

"Iruka," Kakashi called, quickly tugging him into an empty alleyway before Iruka could explode on them.

"They have no right!" Iruka snarled, struggling to get out of Kakashi's restraining hold. Iruka could feel a genjutsu settle around them to prevent outsiders from eavesdropping or looking into their conversation. "They-!"

"It's fine." Iruka turned at Kakashi's calm and accepting words. His single visible eye quirked at Iruka in a small, reassuring smile. "It's fine. I don't care about their words and they didn't say anything wrong."

"But who are they to say such things about you, after all that you've done for the village?!" Iruka exclaimed. "You've never hidden your personal policy and beliefs about your refusal to abandon teammates for the sake of the mission and they admired you for it. And yet - and yet when you actually enact it, they turn their backs on you. Tell me, is the person you saved not a Konoha shinobi? Is his life really worth less than a mission?!"

Iruka's face was flushed and his cheeks were damp with angry tears. Something warmed in Kakashi's chest at the sight, at the thought that the righteous anger that Iruka had once directed at him on Team 7's behalf regarding the Chunin Exam now flared on Kakashi's.

Kakashi cupped a hand to Iruka's face and Iruka nearly jerked away.

"Don't you _dare_ try to calm me down!" he whirled on Kakashi. Even so, he didn't pull away and when Kakashi wiped his tears, Iruka closed his eyes and let him. Another droplet of tear rolled down his face. Kakashi wiped that too. "I'm so _angry_ , Kakashi. I feel like I can rip their hearts out of their chests and eat them raw in the marketplace. People can be such hypocrites. If it was their loved ones on the line and they had the chance to save them, would they not take it? Yet they condemn you because you're willing to risk it all for a teammate, any teammate, in your squadron."

Iruka's voice cracked on the last few words.

"Shh," Kakashi said, planting a kiss to the corner of Iruka's eye. "It's okay, Iruka. It's okay. I'm okay."

"Well, I'm not!" Iruka exclaimed, voice watery and vehement even as he met Kakashi's gaze. Another tear rolled down his face. "I'm _not_ okay with how they're treating you."

Kakashi breathed for a moment, before finally giving into his temptation and pulled down his mask to lick at Iruka's tear track. The salty taste lingered warmly on Kakashi's tongue.

"I know," Kakashi said, withdrawing before Iruka could smack him for the untimely PDA. He smiled, wide across his exposed face. "Seems like it was a bad idea to come out today. Wanna go back?"

Kakashi wagged his eyebrow suggestively and Iruka let out a watery laugh. He circled his arms around Kakashi's neck. "Yeah," he murmured against Kakashi's chest. "Let's go home, Kakashi."

Xxx

They returned to their home in a whirl of leaves.

Iruka scowled, scrubbing roughly at his face to erase the remainder of his tear tracks, as he unwound his arms from Kakashi. "What did I say about Body Flickering right into the house?" he said as the leaves that entered with them settled on their floor and furnitures.

Kakashi gave Iruka an innocent look. "Don't?" he said and Iruka whirled on him, only to deflate as he caught sight of Kakashi and remembered why they came back home via Body Flicker in the first place.

"Stop trying to distract me," Iruka grumbled, before taking Kakashi's hands into his own. "Are you okay?"

Kakashi leered at him and puckered his lips. "I will be if you kiss me better."

"Kakashi, I'm not joking," Iruka hissed, even as his eyes dropped briefly to Kakashi's mouth. A flush spread over the bridge of Iruka's nose and across his horizontal scar, before Iruka stubbornly pulled his gaze away to meet Kakashi's eyes.

Kakashi smiled a little then, a half-smile of wry amusement and fondness, and finally said softly, "How can I not be, with you here so vehemently defending my honor?" Kakashi took Iruka's hands in his and pressed a kiss onto them. "I only regret that you're dragged into this. I'm sorry. Things are going to be rough like this for a while."

Iruka scowled. "Don't say sorry to me. I'm not sorry. Are _you_ sorry for choosing as you had?"

Kakashi grinned at him, a little weary but still present with a side of mischievousness, like a student caught in the middle of a prank. It was an answer in itself, and Iruka found himself smiling back as a coil of tension within him loosened.

"Good," Iruka said firmly, squeezing Kakashi's hand. He brushed Kakashi's drooping hair back from his eyes. "You still didn't answer me, by the way. Are you okay?"

Kakashi's eyes fell, even as he straightened his back vertebrae by vertebrae like a soldier standing strong for a battle. "Yes," he said. "Yes."

Iruka thought Kakashi sounded like he believed it, or at least he wanted to.

"If you're fine," Iruka said haltingly, "that's good. If you're not fine, you know that's alright too though, right?"

Kakashi didn't say anything for a long moment. Finally, he said, looking at a spot over Iruka's shoulder, "It's hard. I was there the first time around, but it's hard being on the other side. It's hard to stand firm in my belief even knowing that I made the right decision. I…"

Iruka slowly leaned upward and slotted his shoulder against the curve of Kakashi's face. Kakashi leaned into it gratefully, like a man towards an oasis in the desert, and let out a breath like he could finally breathe for the first time.

Kakashi let his body sag against Iruka, and Iruka held him up.

"I don't know how he stood it," Kakashi admitted. Burrowing his head against Iruka, Kakashi uttered like a confession, "I'm glad you're here."

 _I'm glad you're here like I wasn't for my father,_ Kakashi didn't say, but Iruka heard it nevertheless. His heart clenched.

"I'm here for you, just like how you are always here for me," Iruka said, cupping the back of Kakashi's neck. "It'll be fine. We'll get through this together."

 _So don't leave me,_ Iruka thought, hand tightening on Kakashi. _Please don't do anything rash._

"Alright," Kakashi said, as though he heard, as though he believed in his own words. A weight in Iruka's chest released. "Alright." A single tear dropped onto Iruka's shoulder. "Thank you, Iruka. Thank you."

They stayed like that for a while, Iruka's shoulder soaking in Kakashi's tears.


End file.
